New Blog, Who Dis?

Updates from a crazy lady amidst a mid-life crisis 🥴

I’ve spent my entire life exploring many extreme aspects of myself.

I spent the past decade attempting to package up and commodify several of those extremes - some more successfully than others.

Always, with each far corner of life experience that I niched myself into, I was left feeling pigeonholed as an unsustainable (and incomplete) version of myself.

I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I am, and will most likely forevermore be, a multi-passionate abstract woman who thrives on the fringe.

Other than some vague imaginings, I have no idea what my life or career might look like moving forward.

The truth is, I’m writing to you now from the midst of my biggest unraveling yet. I thought I was exempt from the cliched “mid-life crisis”, seeing as how I already had a massive quarter-life crisis (followed by 20 intense years of devotion to personal development) — but, I was wrong.

At age 43 I find myself smack dab in the middle of a mid-life crisis with no end in sight.

I spent the first part of this identity crash thrashing around within the flailing circumstances of my income and livelihood, but the more I attempted to control any of these outcomes the more lost and miserable I felt.

After many many months, I now have a fair amount of practice at surrendering to life and humbly accepting the financial support that seems to be divinely coming my way - although I’m not sure what I believe about all things pertaining to a “god” anymore.

Recently, in an insightful journaling session, I wrote the words “in order to move forward, you must go back” — the good news is, I mostly feel at peace with where I’m at (at least today I do) and I’m slowly but surely finding my baby steps forward as I sort through the details of my past.

In teeny-tiny increments, I’m scrubbing from my mind the voices of others, and I’m getting very very clear about what really matters to me.

I’m also reminding myself to focus on the little things I do have control over — such as how I allocate my inner resources and what I spend my time doing, as well as prioritizing my physical, mental and emotional well-being above all else.

For as long as I can remember, a large part of my therapeutic process has been writing.

I originally created this substack publication as a place to process via writing my recovery from new-age teachings/culty + narcissistic dynamics. I called it ‘Gilding the Lily’. I have since removed that name because, once again, I felt pigeonholed.

What I require is a space where I can express myself regarding all of the many aspects of my life, and so (for now, anyway) I have changed the name of this blog- publication-newsletter-thingy simply to ‘Chandra Nicole’…

because, at this point, all I know to be is myself, even as my identity shifts like quicksand under my feet.

Here are some things I suspect I might be pondering about here:

Identity Crisis + Liminal Spaces
Recovering from New Age/Culty Dynamics (including Narcissistic Entanglements)
Feminism + Freedom
Minimalism + Slow Living
Bali, Expat Life + Travel
Mental Health, Self-Acceptance + Authenticity
Body Love, Exercise + Nutrition
Vegan + Vegetarian Foods
Libations! (specifically wine and coffee!)
Cultivating Balance + Helpful Habits
Relationships + Motherhood
Creativity + the Art of a Life Well-Lived

… plus any other random shit that happens across my brain, or is relevant in my life.

I realize this might not be why you signed up for this publication, so if you desire to bounce I will take no offense.

However, if any of these things do appeal to you, or if you’re just a curious cat - like I am - I’d love to continue having you along for the ride.

I have paused all paid subscriptions to this publication for the time being… but if you have it in your heart to support a crazy lady amidst her mid-life crisis I would be eternally grateful.

You can send gifts to me via CashApp at $chandranicole13

If you don’t yet have CashApp, you can use my referral link to sign up HERE - I believe we will each get a little bit of free money when you do so.

I look forward to sharing more with you soon

Xo Chandra Nicole

I leave you with a picture of my tabby cat, Syntha - who seems to have no cares or worries in the world… other than a debilitating fear of children + thunder, both of which send her shimmying under the bed to hide for hours at mere mention lol